If that was your dad, he is hot
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
