Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
