So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
