my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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