I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
