I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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