Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
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She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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