genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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