Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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