I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
