He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
