Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
