when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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