Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
