saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
