just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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