I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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