I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
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he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
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After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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