3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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