I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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