walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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