I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
