anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
