Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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