dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
