Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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