one might say we're banned from that church
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
