If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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