Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I fill condoms, not promises.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
