Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
