John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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