How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
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The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
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Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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