are you still at the devil's house?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
