I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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