Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
