i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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