I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
