True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Randomize
