If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
