You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
