The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
