Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
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She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
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i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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