in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
my shit smells like andre
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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