im about as happy as oj after his trial
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
