why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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