Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
