my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
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