I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
