You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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