this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
