Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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