im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
