And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
