I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
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