I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
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don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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