Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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