nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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