apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
