It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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