i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
