How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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